I longed for His presence;
but my mind in its twisted nature;
kept bringing up images and thoughts that swayed me;
It’s hyperactivity kept rising like the temperature of a child with fever;
I relived memories and mistakes and all the disappointments so long it felt like forever;
I travelled down the path where I used to meet him and enjoy him;
The good old days when my life was prim and proper;
All of these extra-territorial-mental activity ended up in a proclivity of guilt and ungodly remorse;
Which left me with nothing but His absence.
So I took to writing, whenever my heart was itching;
Longing for an influence that transcends all understanding;
But I couldn’t help envy, nor jealousy, nor being angry at everybody and nobody;
I couldn’t resist smiling enough to be loved but not ready to open my heart;
Scores and scores of offences I did harbour in my heart;
Murmuring at no one in particular but forgiving no one either;
I thought His presence had eluded me;
So I dwelt continuously in my delusions of being alone;
Tearing apart anyone that dared bring me back to the hope of His glory;
Which is Christ in me.
His influence I did lace with my flesh;
Trying to live in the spirit yet paying heed to my trash;
His divine love kept calling out but I preferred my struggles;
After all, every man earned wages for his job responsibilities;
And mine I surely had to receive, no need to let Him relive;
The pain, torture and disgrace His grace bore to keep me in the race;
O miserable man that I am, who shall rescue me from myself?
His influence went into hibernation as He realized I wasn’t ready for the updates;
Updates that would make my firmware able to absorb His forgiveness and function better.
I knew His joy was my strength but I was busy grieving Him so how could I be strong?
How could I accept His Holy Influence when I knew I was so wrong?
How could I join the angels in this song?
Of redemption and grace and a second chance?
“For I was bruised for your transgressions, humiliated for your mistakes;”
Amazing grace just found me, with tears in my eyes I begin to speak in the tongues;
Not of men and of angels but that which conveyed my deepest fears in an understanding I couldn’t fathom;
“Come unto me all ye who labour”, indeed I have found rest now;
In the arms of the Influence that birthed me and has given me eternal life.
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